Honey, I Was Just Involved in a Shooting!

The police academy prepared me for a deadly force encounter.  I knew the law by heart and my shooting skills could rival any old west gunfighter.  I had been drilled in shoot/don’t shoot scenarios with the then state-of-the-art FATS machine.  It had been emphasized that the stress that officers go through during a deadly force encounter can be even worse for their loved ones, so we should not neglect their feelings and emotions.  As a result, I was not phased when our detective read me my Miranda warning some two and a half years later, after having been involved in an on-duty shooting.  Once the paperwork was finished, I was given time to call my wife and let her know what had happened.   I had played out this scenario in my head over and over.  I had the entire conversation scripted out.  I would start off with, “Honey, I want you to know that I’m okay.  I was just involved in a shooting.“  At this point, my wife would immediately start crying and saying how she could not live without me.  I would continue, “I’m going to be tied up at the station for a while, so if you need to go to your parents’ house I can meet you there in the morning.”  She would be so upset that it would take me several minutes to calm her down, but she would eventually head over to her parents’ house where my in-laws would freak out when they heard what happened.  They would all huddle together on the couch awaiting my arrival, crying and thanking God that I was okay. 

It was around 2:30am when I got to call my wife, so she answered the phone somewhat groggily.  I took a deep breath and launched into my carefully rehearsed introduction, pausing to allow her to begin breaking down emotionally.  I got nothing.  I dared to push on, offering the option of going to her parents’ house for support since she was obviously in a deep state of shock.  There was a dramatic moment of silence in which all of her love for me and fears for my safety were culminated in one simple sentence.  Her profound response was…. “I’m going back to sleep.” 

I enjoy telling this story to new recruits while teaching Use of Force in our agency’s academy.  In my academy training, I had been led to believe that there was an appropriate response that should be expected from a spouse.  I was completely deflated when my wife did not appear to grasp the significance of what had just happened to me.  When I got off the phone with my wife, my emotional OODA loop had been severely disrupted.  As it turns out, my wife really does love me.  During the course of our marriage, I have learned that she has nerves of steel and is not easily shaken by stressful incidents.  It is important to realize that there is no prescribed reaction that we should expect from our loved ones after a major incident.  I recommend sitting down with your significant other and discussing potential incidents that occasionally occur in police work.  This will allow both of you to communicate much more effectively in a major incident.

Related posts:

1. Austin PD Officer Involved Shooting Update: If you are looking for the dashcam video of...
2. BART shooting update: Mehserle intended to fire TASER not pistol Michael Rains, attorney for former BART police officer Mehserle, gave...
3. The BART Shooting: Facts, Videos, and Links The officer involved shooting in the BART station on New...
4. The Long Term Battles Of The Austin PD Shooting: August Update Back in June 2009 we highlighted an officer involved shooting....